What if it's too much?

From your favorite sub

I didn’t get the job I applied for. I still show up every day, friendly and happy, no matter how much it costs me to put on the happy face.

Our children yell, “Hi Sticker Lady” “I love you!” “You’re the GOAT!” from the stairs. Some sneak in for a hug and a sticker wherever they figure out I’m subbing. They ask if I’ll be in their class and they’re sad if I’m not.

The teacher came back on the long term class I was subbing, and the kids were mad, but they adjusted. I told them that they must work hard and be respectful to her. Maybe they listened.

Now a teacher is gone, the long term sub appears to have quit, and they’re assigning me to her classes. Special ed math, what I am least qualified for. But I am qualified to be a steady presence.

Nice white people in the suburbs or in high rises could not imagine what I see every day. Kids don’t sit in their seats. They throw punches and swear. I hear the N word more than in one day than I did in twenty or thirty years as a white person. And yes, I know the difference between the hard r and not.

Just plain “nigga,” they say, over and over again until it repeats in my ears and I am confronted with the utter failure of urban public education.

We are supposed to be teaching these kids to be functional, literate members of society who can support their own families.

Instead we are raising entitled brats who run around, play with their phones, make Tik Tok videos and cheat with AI. They have no intention of ever doing the work or learning. Their free lunch and free breakfast and tons of snacks, no doubt paid for on an EBT card because that’s how the neighborhood is… well, that’s just part of it. They have not been taught that work has value so how can we be surprised or angry when they take the easy way out?

Maybe it’s too much.

I love the people I work with. I love the kids.

But the exhaustion after dealing with these kids for almost eight hours… it’s becoming too much.

My favorite teacher was crying on Tuesday. She is in charge of all the testing and it’s too much. It’s too much.

I love her. I wanted to be her… once. Once when I believed what I now think is a whole hill of lies.

I insisted on staying to help her.

It’s eating into my mental and physical health. I’m eating too much out of stress. I can’t sleep.

Only Loviefluffy’s sweet purrs and the soft breeze through the window make it okay.

SAT prep awaits me. A whole new world. I will fulfill my commitment, but then I am done.