The Ideal Age for Men is... 70

And now, for something completely different!

I have made many controversial statements in my time. I support Israel and speak out against antisemitism. I love good writing and dislike pornography. I believe that women have just as much right to sexual desire as men do. But now I will make my most controversial statement ever:

The ideal age for men is seventy.

Why, you may ask. Several reasons:

1. Men grow up much more slowly than women. With some exceptions, men take a very long time to mature. By seventy, even the ones who were pretty good at fifty have improved. They are calmer, they think more, and they are not in such a hurry all the time.

2. Most are past that stage when they are frantically climbing the career ladder of whatever profession they have chosen. They have more time to invest in the success of younger people, and can be particularly helpful to younger women. I know what you’re thinking: they will help younger women if sex is on offer. But I have not found this to be necessary. The need to leave a positive legacy starts to surface at the age where mortality seems more real, and that doesn’t require sex. Though a little flirting never hurt anyone.

3. They are still obsessed with sex, but in a less all-consuming way. They can hold a conversation that does not involve pussy jokes and the quickest way to get you into bed, but once they get there, they’re often quite good. Refer to point 1: they’re not in such a hurry all the time.

4. They are not checking their phones all the time. Remember the times when we had to say, “My eyes are here!” because a man was staring at our chests? These days, it seems like we have to say, “I, a human being, am here!” because men under about 65 at best are constantly staring at their phones. Put your phones away, dudes.

5. With notable exceptions, they are not looking for someone to rescue them or complete them. While younger men are often looking for someone who will raise their children, cook their meals, and give them the best blow job they’ve ever had on a daily basis, by age seventy men have figured out that this is impossible. Their children, if they have them, are grown. Unless they are seeking a trophy wife (in which case you should find the nearest exit or pull the nearest fire alarm), they can deal with a woman as an actual human being, not a vessel for the fulfillment of their needs.

6. If they have been married and are divorced, they probably have a good idea of what they do want and what they don’t want, which saves everyone a lot of time. I’d warn you, however, that in general, the newly divorced or newly widowed are not a great bet. Let somebody else be the rebound girl. Unless you’re interested in a quick fling that will cheer them up through a rough time, but don’t put too many emotional eggs into that basket. Recently divorced men are insane and the only men over age 40 likely to ghost you. It happened to me, just once. If he’s still wearing his wedding ring, he still belongs to her.

7. As mentors, supervisors, coworkers, and anyone else you have good reason not to sleep with, men in their seventies are the best. They are not as competitive as they were when they were younger, and they appreciate talent in younger people because they want to leave the world a better place. Men in their seventies helped me change careers more than once, and gave me insight into new worlds that I never would have gotten otherwise.

8. They are, on average, not nearly as arrogant as they may have been at thirty, forty or fifty. They have been knocked around by the world a bit. This makes them easier to be with. They mansplain less and ask questions while actually caring about the answers. They have learned how to listen.

Now it’s possible that I have just been blessed with an unusually good crop of men in their seventies: as friends, mentors, teachers, etc. But I think that men do improve with age, and if you have kept men in their seventies off your radar, I suggest you change your settings.

Don’t worry if you’re not seventy yet: with good health and luck, you will get there. And if you’re over seventy, it’s been my observation that it keeps getting better.

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