Just a Zionist?

"Dude, what's up with you? Are you converting or what?"

I haven’t been going to synagogue much lately.

The people are nice, the sanctuary is beautiful, the fruit tray is amazing. But they’re squishy on Israel. Except for the Rabbi Emeritus, who knocked it out of the metaphorical ballpark (I do not understand baseball but I get that one) with his sermon about how we must defend Israel or we can all see ourselves back at some version of the gas chambers in short order, the leadership is not as pro-Israel as I’d like.

I am WAY more of a Zionist than most of my pre-existing American Jewish friends, the ones I knew before I met many of you wonderful worldwide family new friends. My Jewish friends talk about “nuance.” Many have been to Israel, and were deeply disturbed at how Palestinians were treated. I get that, I respect that. But I see the issue very differently.

“This is a fight for Western civilization,” I texted an old friend shortly after October 7. I was back in touch with many of my Jewish friends right after because of course I called or texted or emailed to check on them and see how the and their families were. I was horrified at how many of my Jewish friends said that no one else who was not Jewish called to check on them. People. Don’t. Get. It.

Many of my Jewish friends are afraid to wear their Star of David necklace in public. I wear mine all the time except when I’m at work (I work in a very supportive workplace, but I don’t bring any kind of religious or any other identity symbol to work. Unless you count the beautiful silver cat necklace that is my substitute Star of David. It was a gift from a Jewish friend and we know it’s code. My identity as a cat lady is not exactly a secret and so far no one seems to find it offensive… I think.)

I’ve had some long talks with some of my newer Jewish friends. One young friend spent a year in Israel shortly after college. He is culturally Jewish but not religious. We really enjoyed our back and forth. He sees nuance. I don’t.

Here is what I think is different:

I read and listen to what both actual Palestinian leaders (and Iranian leaders) and leaders of the anti-Israel protests (can we be honest and call them anti-Jew protests?) SAY. I LISTEN TO WHAT THEY ACTUALLY SAY.

They want to kill all Jews. Then they want to kill or convert Christians. They want to make the world a Muslim caliphate. I’m not for that. Period. Done.

The “protesters” (can we be honest and call them rioters?) say that they want to destroy America. Of course they are absurd: we all know that actual Muslim countries would not tolerate their “feral, queer” whatever identity politics. For some reason, and I’ve read a lot about the history of how this came to be, a large group of people have decided to identify with people who fundamentally want to kill them. Some of my friends (are they still friends?) are in this camp. It’s bizarre. But it’s growing.

Of course I think that every death in a war is a tragedy. If the international community had come together on October 8 and demanded the release of all the hostages and the unconditional surrender of Hamas, there would have been no war. But they didn’t. Why? The hatred of Jews runs so deep that it is incomprehensible.

Israel is the only democracy in a land of brutal theocracies. Israel is not white: look at all the pictures of Ethiopian Jews in the IDF and other people who have pigment in their skin. The entire idea that the world should be divided into people by the color of their skin was something we were fighting against a generation ago. Now it’s the in thing!

I did not watch much of the Democratic Convention. I prayed for the safety of my close friend who was there, and of all who attended. I feared there would be violent protests, but the rioters didn’t manage to pull off a 1968 revival. I am frankly kind of amazed by the energy surrounding the nomination of Vice President Harris, but I’m glad that the Democrats are noticing that the white working class exists again.

I can’t get excited about a Vice President who snubbed the leader of our strongest ally in a time of war by not attending Netanyahu’s speech. No one I know likes him, but he is the leader of our strongest ally in a time of war. I liked his speech. I watched it twice. He nailed it. “Chickens for KFC” y’all. He was speaking to an American audience and he got it right. My Israeli friends didn’t like it, and I get that. Their focus is different. He was speaking to the base of support for Israel in the US. I’m not endorsing his policies, I am only complimenting that one speech.

I believe in Israel. I believe in Jewish culture, knowledge and learning. I believe in the God of the Hebrew Bible. I vibe way more with the old stories than with the newer ones. But am I Jewish?

I feel like if I were I would know.

I talk a lot with the Chabad Rabbi at Penn. He and his wife have done an amazing job of providing a place where Jewish students feel safe and welcome. It’s not easy at Penn. He talked about the role of “friend” of the Jewish community. He, like any Orthodox rabbi, tried to talk me out of converting. So far, well done.

If I had been born Jewish, I would have married one of the guys I dated or should have dated in college (my mistake!) and had kids. I would have had a totally different life. If I had been born into a strong Jewish culture, I would have wanted kids. I would have also had more reason to believe that the father of my children and I would stay together.

But I wasn’t born Jewish. When I am in Jewish spaces, I am very aware of my non-Jewishness. I am always welcomed, and I feel at home, but I am aware that I will never be, in some sense, real.

What I am, for real for real, is a Zionist. I long ago got over feeling like I had to ask my friends’ permission to take positions that are more Zionist than theirs. The US does need Israel. We should not be appeasing Iran. Fortunately, Israel will fight the war and win, no matter how much Americans talk about “nuance.”

And someday I will feel the wheels of the plane as it takes off for TLV. When I am sad or scared or lonely, I imagine the feel of that plane taking off. I will cry. I will be one of those people who touches the ground of the Holy Land as soon as I can. It is a long tradition.

It is so easy for comfortable Americans to criticize our Israeli brothers and sisters because no one is breaking into our homes and raping and murdering us or bombing us such that the Iron Dome is the only thing preventing our total destruction. I am not very comfortable with comfortable Americans. My older Jewish friends recognize the threat because they have lived with it all their lives. My Jewish friends in their seventies and eighties know this game, have seen this movie.

So what’s the answer to the question posed by a friend of mine, “Dude, are you converting or what?”

I don’t know.

I’m starting to doubt it.

I pray for God’s guidance. God does provide guidance, if I am quiet and listen for it. God gives signals and signs. I spend time deep in prayer looking at my tiny Tree of Life sculpture. For the first time in a very long time, I feel a real connection to God again.

And Jewish men are hot, with Israelis being the hottest. To all my Jewish guy friends out there… with all respect to your wives, I mean you.

Am Yisrael Chai.