Catless Child Ladies

Just who are these women anyway?

It seems like I must weigh in on the childless cat lady thing, but how much more can be said? The stereotype of the woman without children or a husband who loves her cats is so constant that I have cocktail napkins about it.

Putting women into categories based on their motherhood status and drawing a whole host of assumptions from them is a long running American pass-time, much like baseball or honking your horn at someone in front of you in traffic.

So I will (sarcastically, in fun, I assure you, as some of my best friends are catless child ladies), raise some questions about this group of women.

Suspicious, isn’t it, that no one investigates why these women don’t have cats?

I volunteer at a cat shelter in a poor area of Philadelphia. Every Monday night I care for starving, sick kitties, almost all of whom were abandoned. They are usually friendly and were obviously someone’s cat, not feral. All they want is to be loved and held and fed and cuddled. These little beings didn’t choose to come into the world, and their mothers didn’t choose it either - if they are not spayed and are outside, female cats will become mothers.

Cats are much, much less expensive than children. They are also much easier to care for on almost every level. A person with a modest income can keep a cat in conditions that are the equivalent of kitty paradise. Just a comfy place to sleep, decent food, and love is all they want. Sure, some have expensive tastes in catnip toys, but to be honest, I did that to myself by only buying my baby the finest (YEOWWWW!!! Brand).

If women are supposed to be so nurturing and loving and the caretakers of others, why are women who clearly have the resources, resources that they spend in ridiculous (to me, who is not a fan of treating kids like money grows on trees) amounts on children, not taking even one homeless, lonely, hungry kitty into their palatial homes?

Cats make great companions for children, and can teach them some important life lessons, like pull my tail and I’ll bite you. Catless child ladies are not only depriving needy cats of their love and resources, they are depriving their children of the opportunity to be raised properly by cats.

Humans need to learn to love and care for other beings. Cats are great for this because they are usually a little easier than dogs logistically, and unlike dogs, they demand respect. A cat, like an excellent elementary school teacher, will teach you respect.

Are catless child ladies really so busy holding down jobs to provide for their children, attempting to take care of their man if they are fortunate enough that he stuck around to help care for the children he fathered, and basically hold their own sanity together that they don’t have time to clean a cat box? Make the kids do that!

Cats can provide a much needed source of love and relaxation for the stressed out, overworked catless child lady. My assumption is that all mothers work hard, whether that work is inside, outside, around, between, above, or in whatever relationship to the house. A cat could be an incredible emotional support to a woman who probably doesn’t get half the appreciation she deserves on the job and at home.

Cats are grateful and loving in a way that children often are not.

If you get them spayed, you do not have to worry about cat teen pregnancy.

We should, as a society, investigate the motivations of the catless child lady. Should catless child ladies run for political office? I mean if they can only take care of humans but not a simple housecat, how can they be entrusted with important issues involving nature, like climate change?

Not to mention foreign policy. I do not want people without cats attempting to negotiate any sort of peace. Having a cat teaches you how to compromise. (Okay baby sure it’s time for some more treats. I love you Mommy’s little boo boo baby fluff!)

And don’t even get me started about catless child men. Men who love cats are just plain better than men who do not. On this hill I will stand and die. I will give some ground on any number of issues, being a person who does not see things in black and white (except tuxedo cats!) but on this, I am adamant. Men who love, care for, and revere their cats, especially those who proudly post pictures of them on social media, are really the only men fit to serve as world leaders. Those who love dogs may have a chance, but the real men love cats.

I’d love to say more, but this childless cat lady is about to go for her weekly volunteer shift at the cat rescue. If any catless child ladies out there have seen the error of their catless ways, I can help find you just the right cat or cats to solve all of your problems and make you the whole, fulfilled, truly a woman that God intended you to be.