What I'm Looking for In A Man

Politics Matter

This question was recently posed to me, in a professional context (no sexual harassment involved). It is a logical question. given the project: what am I looking for in a man?

The question is a follow up to the question, “Why am I so attracted to Jewish men?”

Hmmmmm.

Puzzled and puzzled I did. Not yet ready to answer, was I. Yoda was I rapidly becoming. But…

Things have a way of happening, as they always do, and I started to get some answers, in the strangest of ways.

When missiles were flying at Tel Aviv, I texted with a Jewish friend while we both watched on TV (me watching from my computer because I have never owned an actual television, nor to do I want one.) We talked about how we hoped the US President would bomb the Iranian nuclear weapon producing sites that Israel couldn’t get to, and while we argued about whether we thought he would do it or when, there was no “Yes, but” equivocation. Iran should not have nuclear weapons. Iran declared war on the US in 1979. I remember that hostage crisis. I read Terry Anderson’s autobiography.

While some on the far Left take the side of a regime that tortures women for leaving some of their hair uncovered, and many others just don’t care, I want a man who understands the difference between civilization and barbarism, and is willing to take a stand about it.

I do not have the luxury of engaging with politics from the safety of a suburb, gated community or country estate. I live every day with not just the downstream effects of urban poverty but the up to the minute reality of it. My ideas on the functioning of society are formed largely by my interaction with it. My closest female friend was hit by a car in our neighborhood just weeks ago, and I am almost hit almost every time I leave my house. My car was broken into just a few days ago and I had to pay money I couldn’t spare to get it repaired. They took two containers of kitty litter, about 20 rolls of toilet paper, and what peace of mind and sense of safety I had left. They left behind the creepy looking tool they used to smash my car window. I am guessing someone scared them while they were in the act and they ran off. I’m keeping it as a reminder of what a society with no respect for law, order and personal property yields.

I am not done fighting. I’m not sure how, when or exactly by what mechanism, but I am far from done with engaging in political life.

For all that I dislike living in urban poverty, I find I have a hard time forming a serious relationship with someone who has never had to wonder how to pay the bills. I have some close friends who have always been middle class to well off, and I’ve been middle class and decently well off myself, but there is some sort of gulf between those who have never really had to wonder if they could pay their rent and me. People who take it for granted that I could travel, or buy a new dress, or take a day off from work, or afford a new car really get on my nerves. My friends who want me to have a new dress or fix my car and then make that possible: thank you. When I had quite a bit of money, I helped out those who didn’t. And my paid subscribers: your contribution goes to our real living expenses, including Loviefluffy’s life-saving thyroid medication in fish-flavored treats

Note: You may have bought her a catnip toy, and yes, I am raising my cat Jewish.

I really, really, really really really, like smart men. I like men in general, which differentiates me from quite a few women, but I like smart ones in particular. I recently met a guy who read The Free Press before I did and we talked about the first time we read Plato. That’s hot.

I think it would be hard for me to be serious about someone who didn’t love Israel the way I do. You’d think that would mean he’d have to be Jewish, which I have been pretty much assuming. I am almost pathologically unable to be attracted to men who are not Jewish, but lately I’ve wondered if it’s so much being Jewish as having a certain kind of politics that often follow along with being a somewhat conservative Zionist. I certainly couldn’t date a far Left Progressive Jew, no matter how sexy he happened to be. I tried once. He was a fantastic flirt but I’m sure our politics would have busted everything up eventually.

Does religion matter?

I often find that I get along well with people who are serious about their religion, whether I share it or not. I had a big crush on a Jesuit educated Catholic who went to Mass daily and taught at a Jesuit school. That was one of a string of Davids, soon to be forgotten. He was the one who got kidnapped by aliens, I think. I hear he has returned, and I hope he enjoyed his space travel!

I like and respect the fact that my friend Mark Judge is a serious and practicing Catholic. He’s also one of the most loyal friends I’ve ever had. That goes a lot farther than any particular religion.

Though I like people who are religious, I’ve spent most of my life dating those who were not. I wonder if that bothers me. I think it might, but that other factors might be more important. It would bother me if someone tried to stop me from practicing my religion, or made fun of me for it. People have.

This was Duke Chapel on my last Easter there, my Dad’s last trip there, and my Dad’s last Easter.

My dad used to wish that I could become an ordained minister, go to seminary, get a PhD, and/or learn Greek. When I found out that a new friend of mine reads Greek and he told me about how it’s the perfect language for philosophy, I kept thinking, “I just wish you could meet my Dad.” It makes me sad that my Dad didn’t live long enough to see me doing some things that make me really happy, like teaching smart kids. But I do feel more free to do what I want to do… which is not becoming an ordained Christian minister.

If PhD’s were sexually transmitted I’d have one by now, as well as a few law degrees, but alas, that’s not how it works. I learned in my MPH program that those aren’t sexually transmitted either. Most things that are you don’t want.

I’ve been heavily influenced politically by men I was dating or attracted to, and my politics largely determine with whom I engage on a romantic or even friend level. I think I have less of a division in my mind between those two categories. Most of my best friends are ex-lovers, and the rest, well, you never know. Life is long.

A friend of mine tried to help me answer the question, “What are you looking for in a man?” He put nicely written words in my mouth, but they don’t fit me at all.

“I want what all women want: a mate, maybe not a soulmate, but a partner, a person to pull the wagon of life with.”

Well written, but anything but me. Almost any statement that starts with “What all women want” will turn out to be incorrect, especially if applied to me.

I tend to think that if I wanted a more traditional partner I’d already have one. No one can be everything to everybody, and I’ve seen too many people become miserable looking for everything they want in one person.

But I do like men, and life never ceases to throw interesting ones across my path.

Perhaps now more than in the past I trust the Universe to provide that which will be good. I’ve tried to hard in the past to chase and capture, a model that works well if you are a straightforward woman or a good mouser. I’ve caught my share of amazing men, and had a great time. But these days I’m in less of a hurry, more interested in really getting to know people, and I value good conversation above all else. A lot of things are negotiable - being able to talk is not.

Who knows, maybe the person who smashed my car window will turn out to be the man of my dreams.

No, we can be pretty sure that’s not it.

A snappy ending to this post is eluding me, while usually a snappy last line is the first thing that comes to me. Maybe the time has finally arrived to end with my favorite line from Taylor Swift, one of my favorite lyricists of all time.

Got a long list of ex-lovers

They’ll tell you I’m insane.

But I’ve got a blank space baby

And I’ll write your name.

— “Blank Space,” from the 1989 album by Taylor Swift. I remember at the time it was released marveling that people born in 1989 could be grown ups. It appears that they are!