Sleeping on Israel

Don't worry, it's about a cat and a scarf

Greetings worldwide family. I’ve missed you. I’ve been very tied up with family and job stuff. I haven’t known what to say. Living in limbo for so long, but now even more so as we do not know how much time my Dad has left. It brings home how important it is to enjoy every moment we have.

I have had bad to horrific anxiety all of my life. My first anxiety attack was at two, the second I remember at maybe four. I’ve spent so much time doomscrolling through worst case scenarios in my mind that I’ve often forgotten that right now, in this moment, I am okay. These last weeks have been no different. While some amazingly good things are happening, I seem to have trouble breaking out of fear. Working on that, but it’s hard when it’s a well-worn neural pathway.

I want to be one of those people who can think through a problem, figure out some solutions, and move on. I have a very close friend who is like that. But I’m not - not yet. All of this meditation and I still doomscroll through my own mind.

Situations that require acute present-ness are good for me. Teaching, public speaking, organizing are all examples. Helping others helps me, as many have observed about themselves. I am very good in a crisis - calm as a cucumber (are cucumbers really that calm? Or is it cool? I guess it depends on the temperature of the fridge) - but ordinary life, like a Sunday afternoon, is hard.

I’ve been feeling quite under the weather lately, with low energy levels that make it hard to do things I enjoy. There’s so much I want to be doing, but I get exhausted very quickly. That should improve over time, but I want it to all be better NOW! I’m sure those of you who have dealt with chronic illness can understand.

My cat, Loviefluffy, is my constant companion and comfort. As many of you know, I never disturb her unless it’s an emergency. If she is sitting in a chair, I sit somewhere else. If she is sleeping in the bed, well, I just can’t make the bed, even though I prefer to make it first thing in the morning. The cat is in charge. Here is an example:

Night before last we were sleeping. I have an Israeli blue scarf that I bought last year in November and used as a security blanket and prayer shawl. I call it my Israel scarf. It is secretly named after my first Israeli friend, but don’t tell him! I use it to cover up my arm while I’m sleeping, but night before last it wasn’t right by me. So I reached for it and tried to pull it up to me.

Something pulled back. Loviefluffy was sleeping on Israel. You can’t move a sleeping cat, so I just covered up with something else.

When she got up to eat a snack (her cue for eating is that she wakes up), I spread out my Israel scarf on her side of the bed. She came back and, knowing that it was the special spot, stretched out and went to sleep on it.

I am a bit behind in my Israel reading, though I usually keep up with my favorite bloggers daily and the Times of Israel and Jerusalem Post. I’ll catch up soon. I’m still here, still with all of you, still supporting my worldwide family in any way I can.

Look at the awesome shirt my good friend Kenneth Anderson got me for the holidays! Purrfect, don’t you think?