Should I be afraid of this?

A Decision Tree (TW: this could be a little triggering)

As a person with anywhere from a fair amount to a great deal of anxiety, I have given a lot of thought to what one should ACTUALLY be afraid of, versus what one is afraid of but does not need to be. I present you with a decision tree that I find helpful when I am experiencing fear. It almost always helps me think rationally and dismiss the fear, or at least deal with it optimally.

Question: Should I be afraid of this?

First ask yourself: Is this person or other entity holding any sort of weapon that could be an immediate threat to my life, limb, or that of anyone I love? If the answer is yes, you should be afraid and you should take whatever action you can to solve the situation. For people who have been the victim of sexual assault, this can be a very scary one that never goes away. Even if the person does not have a weapon, for most women, most men have the power to physically overpower them. Most terrifying can be if they have the power to hurt someone you love. I hope you are never in that situation. If you have been, then you know what it’s like to spend the rest of your life checking to see if you’re in that situation again.

I created this decision tree and I share it because it has helped me deal with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder after having my life, limb, and someone I love threatened more than once. I find that in order not to overreact to things that are NOT actual threats, I can go through this tree quickly and realize that almost all the time, I am not in real danger. Those of you with PTSD get it. Those of you trying to support someone with PTSD may find it helpful to know that we sometimes need tools like this to figure out that our boss looking at us funny is not a life-threatening event. He actually makes that face multiple times per day and no one is dead.

Second: Ask yourself, does this person or entity have the power to deprive me of my liberty in any way? Can they arrest me and put me in jail? Can they lock me in a hospital? Can they kidnap me? This happened to me a long time ago, and it was one of the most traumatic things that has ever happened to me, leaving a long trail of fear of healthcare of any kind. TW: The article is VERY triggering. Read at your own risk.

I have never been in jail or in any way mixed up with the criminal justice system. This is largely because while I have had trouble with substance use disorder, the only substance I ever used was alcohol. I am well aware that the only difference between me and my friends who use alcohol and those who get locked up for using heroin or other illegal drugs is that their drug happens to be illegal while mine is not. Alcohol kills way more people every year than any opioid, between actual alcohol poisoning, drunk driving (which I never, ever did) and cirrhosis, suicide while intoxicated, and mixing prescription drugs with alcohol. Yet alcohol is legal. It is not stigmatized as much as the other drugs. The supply is regulated and clean, so our chances of dying are much less. I have long urged those who use alcohol at all to advocate for those who use illegal drugs. It’s no different. No drug is any more “addictive,” and your stupid iPhone is as addictive as heroin. Turn it off for 24 hours. Give it a try.

I make the choice not to drink now because it is healthier for me, but the fear of the medical system will probably never go away. Ironic because I have a Masters in Public Health and there’s really nothing I love more than hanging out in academic medicine. I’d love to teach public health courses in an MPH program or at a medical school. I taught a class at my alma mater a couple of weeks ago, and I haven’t had so much fun since… a long while back.

But when I am a patient, I am always, always afraid. If you read the article, consider this: that was not the worst experience I had in a hospital.

The point of the question is extremely important to those of us who have been captives of one kind or another. Most of the time, this person does NOT have the power to deprive us of our liberty. We must always remind ourselves of our ability to walk out.

Third, ask yourself: Is this person paying me? If so, how much?

Now it gets complicated. I’d say “nuanced” if I hadn’t come to despise that word!

Many of us have stayed in terrible situations because we were being paid and our way of making a living and supporting our families was dependent on it. I know I have. I’m so happy now to make my living doing something I care about with people I love and making a difference in the world. It doesn’t pay that much (so feel free to throw me a paid subscription - I actually do need the money, it doesn’t just go for stupid stuff) but it’s what Buddhists call “right livelihood.”

I learned, through hard experience, that staying in a situation because it pays even when it is very destructive for you is one of the most dangerous things a person can do. I have learned to walk away, and I have learned to carefully investigate before taking a job. One wonderful thing about having been poor, having had to scrap for everything, is that even though it’s horrible, I know I can survive. It took me a long time to realize that like a carpenter or a plumber, I can pick up my tools and leave. The knowledge that I can strengthens my commitment to do my best when I choose to take a job. I’m not just there because I have to be. I’m there because I want to be.

Catastrophizing minor interpersonal disagreements into life-threatening disaster.

That’s how my ex, who is one of my very closest friends, described my anxiety. I used to become absolutely terrified when I thought anyone was unhappy with me in the slightest, especially a person in a position of authority. The amount of time I’ve spent cowering in fear is actually quite sad for someone with the skills and knowledge and experience I have. I grew up Southern and never really learned to handle direct conflict. Now I spend a lot of time with Jewish men who love to argue. I roll with it much better now, reminding myself that arguing is their way of engaging. I argue back. It’s fun. I have discovered a new side of myself. And if things get out of hand and I really am angry or upset, buying me a tahina milkshake from the local Israeli place will solve the problem. Immediately. I know a tahina milkshake sounds like a terrible idea, but it is actually quite delicious. Over the top delicious. Makes me forget what I was mad about. That takes a lot. Ask anyone.

When you have been through trauma, when you had a chaotic childhood, sometimes just when your brain works that way, it is hard to tell the difference between a real threat and something that isn’t that threatening. I once realized that it seemed that my ONLY responses were trauma responses: fight, flight, fawn.

That’s very adaptable if you really are in the middle of a threatening situation, but it is totally counterproductive for “normal” life. So I created my decision tree, and I refer to it from time to time. As time goes on, I have learned to process people being good to me, handling conflict without becoming afraid, and getting through a day that is not life and death.

I said to a friend once that I have a detailed plan for what I would do if I were taken hostage, but I have trouble figuring out what to do on Sunday afternoon. I’ve taken to dusting my apartment very frequently. It beats a hostage situation, and I actually enjoy dusting.

I also enjoy taking pictures of flowers. You may have noticed.