Religiously Jewish, Culturally Not Yet

The opposite of most of my friends

I grew up Christian. Both of my parents are ordained ministers, and whether because of or in spite of that, I grew up deeply connected to my religion. I felt a real, live connection to God. There was no question in my mind that God was real because I had seen God, felt God, been with God. I never felt like I got any points for faith because I had experienced God for myself. Like Paul on the Road to Damascus, my first serious encounter with God was no joke.

Fortunately I didn’t go blind. I suppose it wasn’t necessary, as I am so farsighted that I am already basically blind. Not quite sure what Biblical verse I could connect to that, but maybe my Dad could help? Or is that proof-texting?

I studied church history in college with the greatest historian of church history who ever lived, Dr. Jaroslav Pelikan, may he rest in peace. He took a particular interest in me. He said I was not a scholar, I was a teacher. I wonder now what that means. I notice that he never said I was an organizer, but I doubt that was in his vocabulary, in any of the 19 languages he spoke and read.

I was heavily involved in the church for most of my adult life, but not all of it. For the years when I was partnered with atheists, I tended to stop going to church. It was one of the sad ways in which I lost myself in men. Never again. The other Never Again is much more important, but that is my never again.

I was not Catholic though, I was Protestant. One thing my worldwide family of Jewish friends may not know is that we Protestants argue about everything. We do not believe in the infaliability of the Pope, we believe that each person should read the Bible for herself and understand it.

Now many people hijacked that. Story for another day (let’s not get to the point where we say, “Who let John Calvin in?”) but in my households, my mother’s and my father’s arguing was more than allowed, it was encouraged. Still is.

My mom used to tell me that Christianity was great before Augustine or Paul or both messed it up. She explained to me at a very young age that the Greek influence changed a lot. It introduced mind-body dualism, which to me is the root of much evil. Trying to separate the mind from the body, to me, comes close to the Gnostic heresy. You think you can become divine by getting rid of your body and living in your mind? Let me know how that goes, bro.

Aside: when I was a child, or maybe before I was born, my parents had a fish tank. They named the guppies after church fathers and the algae eaters after heretics. So if you wonder where I got it from, blame them. I’ll give you their numbers.

I was very active in a very progressive Center City church that I love, but in 2016, I felt the church left me. It became so political during the Trump election that I felt I was no longer at church. I wanted to go to church to hear the Word, to pray, to be in the presence of God.

I did Zen. I still do.

When I went to my synagogue for the first time, mostly just to find a place to get away from the wacko antisemites in my neighborhood, I felt God for the first time in years. I had thought that God had given up on me, for various reasons. It was hard not to cry. As I stared at the proudly flown Israeli flag, I did cry. It’s cool. No one minds.

The Hebrew Bible stories resonate with me more than what we call the New Testament. The God who sometimes acts human, more like the Greek gods, who become angry and do things that aren’t so nice, sounds real to me.

My first Israeli friend still explains to me the Hebrew calendar. It’s so nice to say Shabbat Shalom early Friday morning as he is about to go offline and hear what is going on. That connection to Israel changed everything.

Yet I can never say I am culturally Jewish because I did not grow up that way. I could learn though.

I am studying with my Rabbi, who manages to remain calm and cheerful in spite of everything. I love that… I love to study, I am an intellectual person for all my going on and on about emotion. See, I see no contradiction. I just don’t repress either. I don’t see them as separate. When I see those who are passionate about Torah, that makes sense to me.

Many of my friends say they are culturally Jewish and observe holidays, even make Shabbat dinner, but are not religious. I respect that because far be it for me to tell anyone how to be Jewish. But I am religiously Jewish.

Am I still religiously Christian?

I can tell you, and I hope it doesn’t make anyone too sad, that I don’t really resonate with the New Testament when I am in church anymore. I like to be there to support my mom, but that’s about being my mother’s daughter. Also, there is no fruit tray.

Am I doing this for the free pineapple? Well, that seems somewhat more morally pure than doing it to pick up guys!

“This is a beautiful roller coaster that we’re on,” said the Cantor.

It is.

The world has seemed sideways to me for so long that I don’t expect things to make sense. I try to start the day being open to possibilities.

I do know that I found more community in the Jewish community that I have in a long, long time.

Though still, no one has invited me to their home for Shabbat dinner.

I’m free next Friday.