"People are slippery, and they can sniff out when they’ve become your project."
Reflections on a blog by Kathleen Smith
I like to read The Anxious Overachiever by Kathleen Smith (no relation.) She just published an entry called “What to Try When Answers Don’t Work” that I highly recommend. The title of this post is a quote from her post.
This is, indeed, the case.
Kathleen Smith writes a lot about family systems and overfunctioning/underfunctioning. As a person in recovery (something I don’t write about much because I wrote about it for years for a living and most of the time it bores me), I have had a great deal of experience with other people trying to make me their project. It is, simply put, the worst thing you can do, and not for the reasons you may think.
There is a lot of bull blank out there about “hitting bottom.” Bottom, for too many people, is death. Making people’s lives worse does not push them to change. Making things worse makes people worse. The only way I have been able to get better is by a) having a reason to live, and some hope for the future b) seeing a concrete way to get out of an addictive loop. Had things gotten so bad that I could not see my way to a future that would be positive, I probably would have died, either by suicide or by just letting myself drink until I was dead. Thanks to my parents and two close friends, things never got that bad, though they got really, really bad. Thanks to my kitty cat, I always had something to live for, even when it felt like being her mommy was the only reason I was keeping myself alive.
I have written in great detail about what does not work. Now Kathleen Smith’s blog has inspired me to write about it some more. So if you have a friend or family member who is struggling with addiction, depression, anxiety, or PTSD, feel free to use my suggestions or at least consider them. If you are a person in recovery, feel free to chime in.
(Oh, in case anyone is wondering, I drank too much. Fortunately for me I never touched the illegal stuff. I’ve always been very frightened of doing anything illegal, including jaywalking. Seriously. But one thing I will say: the only difference between people who drink and people who do heroin, cocaine, meth, or anything else illegal is that their drug is illegal and mine/ours isn’t. Alcohol kills way more people per year than opioids, but people who use illegal drugs suffer terribly because of the war on drugs. Making drug use a crime has led to contaminated supplies, traumatic imprisonments, and death. Many of my friends’ children have died of the drug war, not the drugs. So if you take even one sip of alcohol and have no visible problems from it, do not think that you are any better than anyone else. Darn, that was satisfying to say. I love you, harm reduction sisters and brothers out there!)
Back to what doesn’t work, if you are trying to help someone.
Do not make them “your project.”
Do not tell people what to do.
It doesn’t work.
In fact, for most people, it has the opposite effect.
My family and friends learned this over the course of several years. I can’t speak for them, but I watched them go through a process of first trying to “fix” me (some more than others), then trying to monitor me, occasionally living in the delusion that somehow keeping me away from the world would solve the problem (made it worse), and trying to dictate the terms of my recovery. Now they do none of the above. All of my parents and my closest friends have become just plain loving and supportive. It has not been easy. I do not think I could be as loving and supportive for as long as my parents and a few good friends have been.
One thing that I learned, in the process of going from being the family superstar with straight A’s and going to Yale (to be clear, I did not make straight A’s there, but I bet one of my beloved subscribers did! It’s okay, you can tell me. I knew anyway.) to being the one identified as having a problem was that trying to live up to other people’s expectations, real or imagined, is a recipe for doom for me. Let me fill you in on what I now believe to be a central and totally ignored or denied truth:
Autonomy is the key to recovery.
Taking over someone’s life just encourages them to keep thinking they have no power to change. It locks them into the pattern of underfunctioning.
Don’t tell someone they have to go to AA or treatment. In fact, the real AA, as written in the Big Book, the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, and every other piece of literature which I unlike many members have actually read, is adamant that no one should ever be coerced into AA. “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.” No one is forced to say, “I’m an alcoholic,” and everyone is told that they must decide for themselves if the program is for them. For most people, as overwhelming statistics show, it isn’t. For those for whom it works, that’s fantastic. For those for whom SMART Recovery, running a marathon, or throwing spaghetti at the wall works, good on ya! Just don’t throw spaghetti at my wall please. Or if you do, please throw it prior to adding a red sauce. Thanks.
One of my absolute biggest heroines in the world is Kathleen Cochran, founder of Moms for All Paths to Recovery. You can find their Facebook group here and her Substack here. She shares about her journey toward listening to her child. The constant theme is that things started to improve when she listened to the person who was having the experience. People tend to know what they need. They tend to tell the truth when they don’t face negative consequences for doing so. When people feel non-judgmental support, it gives them a reason to go on for another day.
So stop trying to dictate someone else’s anything. Recovery, mental health, physical health, how they clean their house or raise their kids (unless there is real abuse going on, obviously.)
There is, of course, one exception. But it must be handled very carefully. Wait for it… you know it’s coming…
If you know someone who is a good purrson, has the resources and space (it doesn’t take much but not everyone has) and is lonely or in need, you can gently suggest that they adopt a CAT! But never say, “You must get a cat!” My approach is to send them pictures of rescue cats from my volunteer shifts at the cat shelter. It gradually sinks in.
Cat adoption aside (cat world domination is the goal of everything I do, after all), do not try to dictate anyone’s path to anything. It won’t work, will make you crazy, and will eventually drive your friend/family member/loved one away.
(If you don’t have a cat, or at least a dog, what, purrcisely, is wrong with you? I mean that lovingly, but see how it pushes you away if you are not a pet person?)
NOT attempting to manage another person’s recovery, or whatever, leaves the friend/family member/loved one with a terrible question: How do they manage their own anxiety?
First and foremost, recognize that your anxiety is your problem. Your loved one can not manage your anxiety, and asking them to try by performing their recovery for you will only make their journey harder. There are ways to manage anxiety, such as therapy, seeking support groups, or meditation.
You also have the option to step away, either briefly or indefinitely. I totally respect people who take space from people in crisis. I’ve had to do that myself. I’m incredibly good in a short term crisis. I’ve talked hundreds of people through at home alcohol detox, and it’s one of the things I’m proudest of. But I can’t do more than four or five days. I’ve stayed on the phone all night with friends who were suicidal in detox, let them think through if they wanted to go to a hospital or not, and supported them in their own decisions. After I know they are safe, I have to step away from that kind of thing. In general, other than through support groups, I don’t relate that much with people who are in the crisis phase of recovery. It just doesn’t work for me where I am in my own journey right now. But for years I could.
When I was particularly good at it, while I was working with HAMS (Harm Reduction, Abstinence and Moderation Support), I was both very close to my own crisis and had few other commitments. If you are looking for support in changing your drinking and you don’t vibe with AA, I highly recommend this international group, led by my good friend Kenneth Anderson. You can get support 24 hours a day from all over the world, and nobody tries to force you to do anything.
Ken used to say to me, “You’ll be okay.” He has this gift that people with a lot of experience sometimes have: he does not freak out. Freaking out is the worst thing you can do if someone is struggling. So if you can not stop yourself from freaking out, taking over, or otherwise being counterproductive, take a step back.
People often discourage others from giving material assistance to people who struggle with substance use issues. You are of course free to do as you see fit, but speaking for myself, I probably would have died if my parents and a good friend had not at times helped me out a great deal financially. If I had seen no path to stability I would not have lived long enough to become stable. Simple as that. Thanks parents and friends. I’m still here. I’m picking out your Christmas presents. Please let me know if your shirt size has changed.
“Rock bottom” is a dangerous, deadly myth. Getting to a place where you can see the sunlight at the top of the dark, deep well is essential to finding recovery, of any kind.
Economic instability makes everything harder.
Drama makes everything worse. To anyone attempting to recover, from anything, save yourself some time and cut the dramatic people out of your life now. Trust me, you will be glad.
Support can be great. I find it essential - not everyone does. My path has involved reaching out to people more, but becoming more discerning in those to whom I reach out. Those who have successfully solved similar problems have at times been very helpful.
At the end of the day, no one can MAKE anyone else change. There are no guarantees. You can demand that a person go to two AA meetings a day, call you every ten minutes, and put a webcam on them. I can guarantee you one thing: this will achieve the opposite of what you want. Do not be fooled if it works for a short time. Lasting change is an inside job, not something that can be imposed from without.
Still, I think you should get a cat.
This one is up for adoption! Contact me for details!