On being a woman without a husband

Cost benefit analysis

The cost benefit analysis is a tool common to everything from business to psychology, and I find it useful. I seem to have made the decision not to get married (though never say never!) and I’ve given some thought to why.

It’s not like I haven’t had chances - I’ve had many (please refer to entry on good men and college boyfriends who now sit on various courts.) One of my favorite quotes (from me) is: I may have missed many chances to marry well, but I’ve missed a whole lot more chances to marry badly!

There is this myth that all the single ladies (yes, I’m quoting you Rebecca Traister) are sadly pining for the right man, or any man, while tending to multiple cats. It’s true that I volunteer at a cat shelter, but I am definitely not looking for a husband. So I decided to explore why, precisely, this is, using the cost benefit analysis tool.

Costs of having not having a husband:

— No one around to open jars when the lids are too tight. Easily solved by calling a friend or walking to the corner store and asking someone to open the jar.

— Have to carry your own benefits. COBRA, the exchanges, are expensive. My life as a freelancer would be easier if someone else was paying for the benefits.

— Hard to raise children alone. However, I have no children and have never wanted any.

— No one to cook for. Easily solved by having friends over and volunteering to cook for the homeless at the local shelter. My church serves dinner three times a week to thirty homeless men, and I don’t think any of them have forgotten my Christmas Day dessert table.

— Lack of obvious male protection. This one is real. Very real. As women, we are constantly in danger. I know the difference between walking down the street alone and walking down the street with any man, even a sixteen year old boy. Men look at me differently. It is truly safer to be with a man, whether we like it or not, unless we are visibly armed. It is also safer to be publicly owned by a man in many realms such as the business world. While it doesn’t protect you from sexual harassment by any means, it is a convenient way to fend off passes. Men are less likely to come on to other men’s wives than women are to come on to other women’s husbands.

— Being married can be a status symbol. It certainly used to be. My female friends thought it was in our thirties. Many of them are happily married, more are miserable. They pursued that ring like Galadriel in Lord of the Rings when she went crazy. “GIVE ME THE RING!” For a long time, I thought I should get married for status. These days, I find it’s less of a status symbol. The reasons are complex and for another day.

— Some women get lonely. I find I don’t, as long as I surround myself with friends and lovers. Which brings us to the benefits.

Benefits of not having a husband:

— You can date whomever you wish. You can flirt with whomever you wish. You can also say “Please leave my house now” and they have to do it because they do not own said house.

— You can say whatever you want. This is the most important to me. What I say does not reflect on anyone. When a lover or ex lover comes up for Senate confirmation, my writings are much less likely to be used against him than if I were his wife. A man who can’t control what his wife writes would be looked down upon by conservatives and liberals alike (if we’re honest about it.) A man who dated a hot chick who writes some crazy stuff - well, who can blame him? He didn’t marry her!

— I control my own environment. My ex partner (we did not marry) would not let me have magnets on the fridge and had other requirements that I didn’t care for (so what if I decorate for Halloween on Labor Day???) I can do whatever I want with my own home, for which I pay. I like it neat and clean and quirky. I have a print of a painting of Daenerys on my living room wall. Do you think a dude would be down with that? Not in his own home, but on my wall, sure, and if he’s not, well, the door is easy to find from said painting.

— I can have whatever hobbies I want without anyone telling me what to do. I practice Zen. A lot. Every day. I am active in my Zendo. I find Zen jokes annoying. No one can tell me I should be home doing whatever.

— I can hold whatever political views I want without being constantly attacked by someone I live with. I let my non-husband boyfriends knock me down when I articulated a view that differed from theirs. Now I can just say, “You make your argument, I’ll listen. But I make my own decisions.”

— Jealousy is their problem, not mine. Almost all of my friends are men, I like men a lot, and I spend a lot of time with them. If a boyfriend is jealous, that is his problem, not mine. If a husband is jealous, he can certainly make that a wife’s problem. Besides, it’s a social expectation that a wife limit her close friendships with other men. I’m not doing that.

— I don’t have female “friends” clucking that I should be a better wife. Yeah, that still happens, and it certainly happened in my mom’s generation. Can’t be a better wife if not a wife.

— I can take flower pictures all day long as long as I can pay the bills.

On balance, for me, not having a husband wins.