Thank you so much my friend! Yes, the middle and high schools - two of them - where I teach are a rare breed, especially for urban black kids! I will defend teaching Latin!
My Mom died suddenly very recently of a massive heart attack. She would have been 81 yesterday. We had a complicated relationship, and I only realized fairly recently that my Mom suffered undiagnosed and untreated mental illness for most of her life. She was a deeply insecure woman, but also extremely loving and kind. She basically took care of my large family over the two years I could not get a handle on my chronic illness. And she took care of my family when I had babies and when I had surgery for breast cancer. My children and grandchildren adored her. I am left feeling deeply sad that she did not have a better life. I am sad that I didn’t have more patience for her, especially during the last three years when she was in the initial stages of dementia. I did try to see her every Sunday for the last three years, and get her out of the house for a walk if I could. These visits were difficult for me but I’m so glad I did it. I can only do my best to attempt to have a better life than she did, and to not let my own mental and physical illnesses get the better of me.
It is hard when grief finally comes. I know that first year after my mother had died, there was so much going on I said the best thing that happened to me during that year was that my breast cancer was only level 1. The cancer center me for counseling for that one, but seriously it was.
Listen both of my parents have been gone for over a decade and there are some days I miss them so much (especially after October 7) I get so angry at them that they are not here. I know it makes no sense. They definitely didnt want to die. They wanted to watch their grandchildren grow up and have a nice 2nd act. But sometimes things are what they are. My dad was misdiagnosed- doctors missed his lung cancer, and mom died from injuries in a car accident a few years later.
One of the things I have learned over these years is that our parents are human. They made mistakes. Just like I know we made mistakes when it came to them. But in the end I know that they loved me and I loved them. That is what matters, ultimately.
I love that you can see your father the way you do and that you can hold on tight to your mom. I wont tell you that this will pass. I am not sure I am done with those stages of grief they talk about. I dont know if I ever will be done. We all grieve in our own way. Give yourself that.
Also I like to remember my parents smiles. They are always smiling in all of the pictures i have of them on my phone. 😘
Thank you! I think I read some entries about your parents. That is a terrible few years you had! I definitely was fortunate that my dad had such a relatively good time of the dying business, and he had a happy life and a really great time in retirement. He really wanted to die without suffering, and he pretty much did. Something that some of my friends say is that you never get over grief, it just changes. I like that.
My Mom was ill & in nursing home, but her death was still without warning, so I wasn't there. My Dad died during a VERY prolonged hospitalization, in a coma at the end, but not fully conscious for some time prior. My brother and I were there at the end & each of us told him that he could go when he was ready.
My brother died later that year in a car accident.
On the anniversary of their deaths I go out to dinner. If that's not feasible, I make something special myself. I also make donations in their memory.
There are times when I send a mental message to them; I like to think that it gets through.
Though it's nice to have family still with you, I was glad they weren't around for COVID, or the mess that we're living through now.
I don’t know you personally but I am so impressed at how you make space and have so much love for both of your parents even though they weren’t together anymore, if I have understood correctly. You have a big heart. And I can’t imagine that your father wasn’t terribly proud of that.
Thank you for sharing this vulnerability. Your dad was a great man who raised a great daughter!
PS--Grade schools that teach Latin are certainly a rare breed nowadays!
Thank you so much my friend! Yes, the middle and high schools - two of them - where I teach are a rare breed, especially for urban black kids! I will defend teaching Latin!
“I wish I could text Dad updates and tell him fun stories of the kids.” He Knows. I often feel my own late father watching me. He knows.
Thank you. I think he does too.
May his memory always be for a blessing.
Thank you my friend
My Mom died suddenly very recently of a massive heart attack. She would have been 81 yesterday. We had a complicated relationship, and I only realized fairly recently that my Mom suffered undiagnosed and untreated mental illness for most of her life. She was a deeply insecure woman, but also extremely loving and kind. She basically took care of my large family over the two years I could not get a handle on my chronic illness. And she took care of my family when I had babies and when I had surgery for breast cancer. My children and grandchildren adored her. I am left feeling deeply sad that she did not have a better life. I am sad that I didn’t have more patience for her, especially during the last three years when she was in the initial stages of dementia. I did try to see her every Sunday for the last three years, and get her out of the house for a walk if I could. These visits were difficult for me but I’m so glad I did it. I can only do my best to attempt to have a better life than she did, and to not let my own mental and physical illnesses get the better of me.
Thank you so much. It’s so hard to not be able to do more when the people we love are suffering.
It is hard when grief finally comes. I know that first year after my mother had died, there was so much going on I said the best thing that happened to me during that year was that my breast cancer was only level 1. The cancer center me for counseling for that one, but seriously it was.
Listen both of my parents have been gone for over a decade and there are some days I miss them so much (especially after October 7) I get so angry at them that they are not here. I know it makes no sense. They definitely didnt want to die. They wanted to watch their grandchildren grow up and have a nice 2nd act. But sometimes things are what they are. My dad was misdiagnosed- doctors missed his lung cancer, and mom died from injuries in a car accident a few years later.
One of the things I have learned over these years is that our parents are human. They made mistakes. Just like I know we made mistakes when it came to them. But in the end I know that they loved me and I loved them. That is what matters, ultimately.
I love that you can see your father the way you do and that you can hold on tight to your mom. I wont tell you that this will pass. I am not sure I am done with those stages of grief they talk about. I dont know if I ever will be done. We all grieve in our own way. Give yourself that.
Also I like to remember my parents smiles. They are always smiling in all of the pictures i have of them on my phone. 😘
Thank you! I think I read some entries about your parents. That is a terrible few years you had! I definitely was fortunate that my dad had such a relatively good time of the dying business, and he had a happy life and a really great time in retirement. He really wanted to die without suffering, and he pretty much did. Something that some of my friends say is that you never get over grief, it just changes. I like that.
My Mom was ill & in nursing home, but her death was still without warning, so I wasn't there. My Dad died during a VERY prolonged hospitalization, in a coma at the end, but not fully conscious for some time prior. My brother and I were there at the end & each of us told him that he could go when he was ready.
My brother died later that year in a car accident.
On the anniversary of their deaths I go out to dinner. If that's not feasible, I make something special myself. I also make donations in their memory.
There are times when I send a mental message to them; I like to think that it gets through.
Though it's nice to have family still with you, I was glad they weren't around for COVID, or the mess that we're living through now.
That’s so hard. I’m glad my dad had time to say goodbye and I did too. I think next year I will plan something.
I don’t know you personally but I am so impressed at how you make space and have so much love for both of your parents even though they weren’t together anymore, if I have understood correctly. You have a big heart. And I can’t imagine that your father wasn’t terribly proud of that.