Moral Absolutes. (TW: Cats)

There is right, and there is wrong.

You don’t have to be kicking around this blog or me for that matter for very long to realize that I am not a moral relativist. I do believe that there is right and wrong, and that there are some things to which no “yes, but…” can be applied. You already know several of those things.

Yes, but…

There is one thing that is absolute. I think many of you will agree with me. Those of you who do not may be bitten, at some point in your life, though not by me, and it will be your own fault.

What is right: what your cat wants.

What is wrong: anything else.

Allow me to present you with an illustration:

I have a chair in my bedroom that I have long referred to as “my chair.” It is the chair in which I sit to gaze out the window plotting to be looking out other windows in other places, in which I watch Star Wars, Wheel of Time and Game of Thrones, and in which I have had many a positive and a few disasterous phone calls. It is a fairly comfortable Ikea chair, if you are a little person, and it is very good for me to curl up in under multiple blankets and scarves because my apartment is freezing.

Yes, but…

Recently, Loviefluffy, the fluffy love of my life, has decided to sit in this chair.

So, the chair is no longer “my chair.” It is her chair, when she wishes it to be.

You see, all things are Loviefluffy’s. It is like the story of Jesus saying “Render under to Caesar that which is Caesar’s and unto God that which is God’s.” (Mark 12:17). The way this passage was explained to me is that it’s a bit of a trick answer because all things are God’s.

Understanding that, it should be an easy jump, as a kitten might make up an entire flight of stairs to escape her anarchist oppressors, to recognize that ALL THINGS ARE LOVIEFLUFFY’S!

So the chair, when she decides to sit in it, becomes her chair. If she is sitting somewhere else, then I may occupy the chair (or sit in the chair… occupy is such a charged word these days.)

What if I wanted to sit in the chair to say, watch a movie, while she is sitting in the chair?

My wishes on the topic are irrelevant. The chair is Loviefluffy’s.

Or take, for example, making the bed.

I always make the bed after I get out of the shower and before I do yoga and meditate.

Yes, but…

What if Loviefluffy is comfortable in the bed? Then, as should be obvious to anyone who is paying attention, I do not make the bed.

I do not attempt to make the bed around her. That might disturb her. And heaven forbid I wake her! The first commandment is: Thou shalt not wake a sleeping cat. I’m not sure what you may have heard to the contrary.

The cat knows what is right. The cat knows what is good. My cat is my witch’s familiar. I can tell if I’m doing the right thing because she is calm and sleeping and her fur is soft. If she is in a tense cat pose, sitting up and hunched up slightly, I am doing the wrong thing or something bad is about to happen.

Some idiot and I forget who tried to talk me out of this interpretation and to convince me that the cat was merely reading my signals and was not a High Priestess of the Cat Goddess whom we must all worship before we get around to all this other stuff. Oh, I remember, it was a very strange therapist I went to who seemed very helpful until she started spouting antisemitic conspiracy theories and I walked out. That was weird. Perhaps a foreshadowing. I got out as fast as I could.

A wise man I know, who is not a particular cat person himself, once said, “You do not mess with a woman and her cat.” This man is still alive, in spite of actual attempts to ruin his life. You see, even if you do not love cats, if you show proper respect, you can take an honored place in the world under furry world domination.

In this just world, all cats will have loving homes. No one will abuse cats because they will be taught from kittenhood (I mean childhood) to love and respect the feline. There will be free nationalized veterinary care as well as free nationalized healthcare, and free healthcare for dogs too.

And birds. And snakes. And fish. All the creatures. The cats will make sure that their humans are just as concerned for the welfare of other creatures as they are for cats. Well, maybe not just as concerned, but that they are supportive of, say, dog people. After all, someone has to catch all those objects that people keep throwing.

It is well known that those who abuse animals as children often grow up to abuse humans. It is one thing to eat animals for food, but to torture them for fun is a harbinger of evil toward humans. In a world where cats are properly revered, humans will learn to respect and love a being they cannot control from the best.

When I was little, we had a cat. Once, I pulled his tail or did something I shouldn’t have done. He bit me. My mom let the cat teach me the lesson. I learned.

Now, there is a bit of nuance. Sometimes a cat wants to overeat to the point where she or he will be unhealthy. (I never refer to cats as “it.” Cats are beings, not inanimate objects. My cat’s pronouns are she/her/hers and all the feminine pronouns that would logically follow.) In this case, a human in a covenant relationship with the cat may have to exercise some discretion in terms of feeding. It is natural for cats to want to eat a lot, and the domestic cat can get diabetes or other diseases from overeating, just as humans can. We, their beloved parents/friends must at times ration the food a bit to prevent future health problems or treat existing ones.

And of course no one likes a trip to the vet, least of all me. I get more upset than Loviefluffy in the car ride. Yes, but… medical care is important.

So the next time you find yourself confused as to what is good, moral, and right, simply ask yourself: what does my cat want me to do?

The chair formerly known as “my chair.”