Make America Civil Again

Or at least, can we agree on some basic norms?

While protesters chant “Death to Israel!” and “Death to America!” in the same breath (well maybe they take a quick gulp of air in between), I have a new mantra. It is not a chant because loud chanting, outside of a Zendo, disturbs the peace. I would like to introduce a motto that could improve life for all, left, right, center and don’t care.

Death to incivility.

Whatever happened to the days when people basically behaved in public? I remember when I was a small child, the most important thing my mother taught me was “Do not call attention to yourself.” I was quiet in public, though I could talk for hours on end during our long car rides between the three jobs my mom worked to support us. I did not scream or run around or grab things off the grocery aisles. I knew my mother would kill me, or if not literally kill me, just be displeased, which was likely worse.

As I was riding the trolley home from Center City (that’s downtown Philly) the other day, I thought I was in a YouTube video entitled “Why Harris Lost.” The trolley was very crowded because there are staffing shortages at the public transit authority. There are staffing shortages largely because the transit workers were so abused during Covid that many of them quit. Good, hardworking people have no defense against passengers threatening them, verbally abusing them, and threatening other passengers. It’s happened to me more than once.

Meanwhile, maybe last Thursday, a person sat down on a crowded trolley and took up two seats by stretching out their legs across the entire row. They were wearing lots of bangles and covered in quite a bit of glitter, as though having just emerged from a night club. The person looked male but was dressed more female, so I use “they,” which I actually find convenient when one does not know the gender of the human to whom they are referring.

This person proceeded to dance in the seat and sing as though at a concert of some kind. Now this would be all well and good at a concert of some kind, or even in one’s own home, but on a crowded trolley?

Soon, the person started laughing in a way that might indicate a lack of mental stability. Very loudly cackling. Again, on a crowded trolley where we were all trapped hoping this person was not dangerous.

When you live in a city, you put up with more of other human beings than you might like to. But things like this just get to be too much.

Someone must have shot the person a look because they loudly yelled, “What, I don’t have the right to laugh?! I have the right to laugh!!!”

Well, of course you do. But wild maniac laughing on a crowded trolley is concerning and disturbing to the other passengers.

As sorta conservatives go, I am perhaps an extremist on being fine with whatever consenting adults want to do behind closed doors. I do not feel it would be necessary or appropriate to elaborate on specifics of what I think it’s fine for people to do, as long as it doesn’t involve children, farm animals or pets. I’m also very supportive of trans rights, and wish the Republicans would drop the bathroom thing and just let people use gender neutral bathrooms if they choose. I often use them if I’d rather not listen to other women talk on their cell phones in the restroom. Gender neutral/cell phone free bathrooms: a policy whose time has come. I call people by their preferred pronouns and preferred name because that is the polite thing to do.

I have no hope of us all just getting along as Rodney King said during what used to be called the LA Riots, before the newest round of LA riots. (Thank all possible religious figures of all time that I did not move to LA when I had the chance, though I wish those who are there the very best, and a smooth trip through your two hour commute in traffic.)

It is a hopeless fantasy, but it is mine: a return to some standard of how people behave in public.

Here is my platform:

— Outlaw talking on cell phones or playing them on speaker phone in enclosed public spaces such as public transit, nail and hair salons, restaurants, stores, gyms, and public restrooms. I do not wish to be a party to anyone else’s personal business, especially when I am trapped somewhere like a subway.

— Make the penalties for texting while driving the same as for drunk driving, or even stiffer. Every day I see a driver in my neighborhood run a stop sign without even looking up from their phone. Pedestrians are routinely hit by cars here. Make the streets safe by enforcing the traffic laws.

— Protect public transit riders and workers by putting transit police everywhere. This may not matter to those of you who drive all the time, but public transit is essential to those of us who live in large cities, and it is a miracle of public cooperation. It is better for the environment and better for the people, as long as it is safe and livable. Transit workers should not fear for their safety, nor should riders. I am so tired of sitting in the station waiting for the trolley and watching people smoke cigarettes or joints while drinking a 40 of beer. Smoke and drink in your own home, please! Be my guest! (Well, not my guest. I don’t allow smoking or alcohol in my own home, and what I do in the privacy of my own home is my business.)

— Make littering a crime. It’s disgusting to see all the empty bags of chips in my neighborhood. I pick them up and throw them out but I can’t keep up. There are trash bins everywhere but people don’t use them. I saw someone just throw their Dunkin Donut wrapper out of their car window yesterday. In school, the kids threw tons of candy and chip wrappers on the floor. The room was absolutely trashed by the end of each class. Then they refused to clean it up, telling me, “I’m not a slave!” No, you’re not. You’re supposed to be learning to be a civilized member of American society.

— Everyone improve their language. I am guilty of this too, but only in private conversations, not in public. The world would be a better place if we used a wider vocabulary than what used to be called four letter words. I do it too, especially when I’m teaching and it’s all I hear all day. But it’s not good for anyone. Imagine that you are trying to sell the movie of your life in Tennessee. Say what you want to say with nice words. If you want to learn new words, read books written before 2000. Or take an SAT prep course! I’m sure they take grown ups!

— Smile and say hello to people on the street again. That was nice. It seems to have ended here during the pandemic maybe because people were afraid of breathing. I get that - I was a Case Investigator for the state during the worst of it, and I talked to hundreds of people who were very sick or had just lost a family member due to Covid, so the Covid deniers will not get my support. But we can breathe now, and the fears about transmission outdoors were overrated (we didn’t know what we didn’t know.) Let’s smile, say hello, even, “How ya doing?” One of my favorite things about living in a black neighborhood is that this practice seems more common among black people than white people, at least in the North. I even appreciate the “You’re looking lovely today, Ma’am. Your husband is a lucky man.” I smile, say, “You’re very kind,” and do not mention that I do not have a husband. If there’s one thing I’ve learned: never argue with a man who says you’re beautiful, and never argue with a man who thinks you have a husband, unless you’re actually trying to date that man, in which case a quick clarification might prove expedient.

—I wouldn’t codify this into law, but I am a big fan of complimenting strangers. At least once I day I say to a woman, “I love your dress/shoes/hair.” Occasionally if I see a guy who looks nice I say something like, “I like your tie. Did your wife pick it out?” (That was a great pick up line back in the day. Haven’t needed it in awhile though.) No doubt the super lefties who are rapidly unsubscribing would say that’s objectifying people, but rarely is someone offended if you genuinely like their shoes.

— Maybe this is just among people I know, but I am so tired of it being seen as rude to ask if someone is married. It’s a perfectly legitimate question and need not be taken as sexual harassment. Sometimes it’s just information, like, do you have pets? But in the world where people meet outside of a social context like a church or synagogue where a spouse would be apparent, it is a perfectly reasonable question. A simple yes, no, or “I was recently kidnapped by aliens and am still recovering from the experience so I’m not married but I’m not really dating right now,” would suffice. (Long time readers would remember the David who was kidnapped by aliens. I hear from a mutual friend that he has returned to earth and is well. I will not be texting him.)

— Don’t ghost. Ghosting is for the weak. I used to think that no one under fifty ghosted until I was ghosted two years ago by someone over fifty. My best GenX pal was horrified. Real men do not ghost. Polite women do not ghost. Claim a family emergency, or just say you’re not interested. But don’t ghost possible romantic partners, work colleagues, or people to whom you owe money (then again not owing money makes that easier.)

— Again, no legislation here, but acknowledge gifts. I may be the only person on earth who still writes thank you notes, but a simple text saying, “Thank you” at least lets the person know you got the gift. I was shocked when my niece and nephew did not acknowledge gifts. My step-mother had a talk with their mom and now they do. I don’t need a flowery note for a pair of cute socks, but I do spend a lot of effort picking out birthday and other gifts that I think the kids or other family members would like, and the money is non-trivial to me. I’d like to know they at least received the gift.

— Just being nice goes a long way. If you can’t be nice, you can be quiet. If you can’t be quiet, you can at least stop at stop signs and not hit innocent people with your car.

You know, for a woman with a bit of a wild side, I have a long list of how people should be prim and proper. Proper behavior in public is what can get you behind closed doors where improper behavior is no one’s business but your own. Like those who are looking for a lady in the streets, I prefer men who are gentlemen in the outside world. They do not blast their music on speaker phone. They do not hit pedestrians with their cars. They politely acknowledge it when women come onto them and they deflect politely if they are not available (aliens or no.) They do not go crying to their mommies or their bosses when a woman gives them a compliment.

Long live Gen X and the generation before us.

Also, could we return to men wearing coats and ties on formal occasions? I love a man in a suit.

Marigolds, the favorite flower of my grandfather, who wore a coat and tie to dinner at the retirement community every night until shortly before he died.