Imaginary Dinner Parties

Some CBT tricks work!

It is well known in some communities that I like to mock Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It has been so dominant in mental health for so long, and some treat it as a religion. I have been known to say that CBT is as useful for trauma as an octopus on an alpaca farm. And leave it to the CBT zealots to come up with ten reasons why an octopus on an alpaca farm would be great…

BUT! Many of the tricks do work. I have found in my own experience and working with literally hundreds if not thousands of others on a peer to peer basis that once some acute trauma wears off, CBT tricks can work. It’s hard to access the rational brain when you’re afraid for your life. But if you can chill just a bit, it’s cool.

I’m actually not sure that this is a CBT trick, but the idea of replacing an unpleasant or upsetting thought with another thought is in line with CBT stuff. And if you can do it, it does work.

I have had a lot of upsetting thoughts lately. The rise in outright antisemitism I see, even among people who I consider nice or who have been friends, is horrifying. I won’t repeat some of the things I’ve heard and seen because there is no reason to upset any of us further, but I’m sure you’ve seen the same.

I worry about my worldwide family. I worry about your children. I don’t want to be annoying by checking in too often, but I love to see your posts on Facebook or comments here just to know you are okay. I’m frustrated at how few non-Jews seem to be speaking out against antisemitism. I’m scared for my own safety sometimes. I feel safest in my synagogue, where there is security. I always thank the security guards for keeping us safe.

So when I start to feel too upset or alarmed, and there’s nothing I can do about it at the moment, I try to think of happy thoughts.

All are aware that I love flowers and cats, but did you know that I love to cook and entertain? I used to throw giant dinner parties. In college my roommate (Hi SFS!) and I threw huge dessert parties with multiple pies, cakes and cookies, all homemade. We were famous for a cranberry apricot pie that got renamed Samberry Aprilcot! We even developed a bit of a problem: the guests would not leave our apartment. For all I know some of them are still there, almost thirty years later.

I love to imagine dinner parties. Thinking of what I would cook and how I would serve it and who likes what is a wonderful puzzle. I have a dinner party planned that we have had to reschedule many times, but we will get there! I have rewritten the menu for it many a time.

I love a challenge. Similar to when I was a hardcore lowfat vegan in my twenties and my step-mother was doing Atkins. I don’t think my father has ever recovered from the stress that one caused!

Someday I would like to have an apartment with a real dining area. I live in a cute but small space and my home office takes up most of it. In my modest fantasy world, I have a garden apartment with a balcony, just like where I lived before my ex and I moved in together. There was a dining area that could easily fit six. Maybe I will move back there, Gods be good.

I have a gift for figuring out what people want, and I try to use it in cooking. Almost everyone says, “I like everything,” Never in the history of the world has this been true. Being the direct person I am, I ask specific questions. My first one is: “What is your favorite vegetable?” It’s amazing what you can learn about a person by ascertaining their favorite vegetable.

When I get to planning a dinner party, or a brunch party, or an appetizer party, I get so lost in thought that other worries disappear, at least for a while. It doesn’t even have to be a real dinner party that I’m planning. I plan ones for people I’ve never met in person or who live far away. I have planned what I would cook for historical figures. I have mentally made meals for fictional characters.

What would I cook for Luke Skywalker? Something involving frozen peas.

I had a good friend who many years who was obsessed with frozen peas. It was in the heyday of my dinner parties, and he was almost always a guest. My then boyfriend and I were vegans, so we would make vegan feasts. I always included a bowl of frozen (and thawed, to be clear) peas.

At the Philadelphia Flower Show, they had exhibits of fancy dinner tables. Here is a picture of one where I could have an imaginary party.

.This picture is a bit seizure inducing, so I hope all are well. But it sure does take your mind off your troubles!