If Barack Obama Were to Walk Into This Classroom...

I'd be happier to see him than I have been since 2008!

Subbing is hard. Especially when the teacher has been absent all week and it’s Thursday.

Screaming, play fighting, and when the fighting starts to look like it’s not play, I call an administrator.

Mr. J. came to deal with it. He was a math teacher for twenty years and I don’t know how long he’s been an Assistant Principal, but he gets things done.

The kids who came into my classroom like a herd of gremlins who had been fed after midnight were marched out of the class and into the hall in a straight line, to do it again until they learned to enter properly.

“If Barack Obama were to come into this classroom, he should see you sitting in your seat doing your work,” said Mr. J.

Oh, how I wish Barack Obama would show up. Because that would make the kids be quiet.

In conservative media, the Obamas are sometimes described as “the sainted Obamas,” and it’s really true. The schools where I teach have tons of pictures of the Obamas, together and separate. I voted for him too, both times. I had no idea until fairly recently that he did a lot of things I don’t think are good. But I’d really love to see him substitute teach. Or maybe all of the Obama impersonators in Vegas could show up in the schools occasionally to get the children to act right.

I started to think of other world leaders I’d like to see substitute teach.

Bibi haters of the world, unite! Bibi is going to substitute teach in urban public schools! Sarah Netanyahu begs for mercy as it is announced that he’s on seventh grade, for eternity!

I think Netanyahu would be great. The kids would call him Mr. N. and think his accent was funny. Think what you will of his policies, even of his character, I do believe he would make a pretty good substitute teacher. The kids would enjoy his stories of his days in the IDF and he could teach them some Hebrew. They also would not really know who he is, so he’d just be weird Mr. N.

Trump understands improv comedy better than most. Teaching is largely improv, but subbing is all improv. Trump’s gift for saying something so off the wall that everyone stops dead then freaks out would serve him well as a sub. Being an outrageous showman really works.

Nixon would have been terrible. So stiff. “I am not a sub.” Actually, sir, you are.

Bill Clinton, who was legendary for making everyone he met feel like they were the most important person in the world, might have been among the greatest subs in world history. Hillary might have been among the worst.

Biden wouldn’t have been able to find the classroom, and might have forgotten why he was there.

I think Mrs. Thatcher would have made a great principal, but I can’t quite see her regal presence in the substitute teacher role.

Mary Poppins, of course, was the original ideal sub. If only I could make us all disappear into the bathtub and come out into a fantasy world.

But I can’t. I didn’t even give out stickers today. It was a rough day.

“You said Mr. Obama was going to come in the classroom,” I said to Mr. J. near the end of the day. He had stopped to help a kid with his math homework. Watching him show a sixth grader how to do the math problems was so heartwarming - just what I needed after a long, tough day.

“I wish he would!” he replied. We got a good laugh out of that.

Maybe Obama walks on water. But if he’s really the GOAT, let him prove it. He has a BA and can pass the criminal background checks. It’s time for him to substitute teach.

Mr. Obama, the kids are waiting. Let me show you how to write a bathroom pass.