A Brief Gratitude Meditation

Thank you, God, for bringing me to this day safely.

Every morning when I sit down to meditate, I pray, “Thank you God for bringing me to this day safely.”

Every night when I pet my kitty… last night we slept hand in paw!… I pray, “Thank you God for returning me to this pillow safely.”

It hasn’t always been a given that I would make it safely to the end of the day, so I’m grateful to be here.

A good friend asked me, “How often do you try to publish your blog?” There isn’t really an answer. I write when I feel like it, which is sometimes every day. I publish when I have something I want to chat about with all of you fine people!

Usually when I’m not writing, it’s because there’s something I’m thinking about, but for some reason I don’t feel like I can write about it. I don’t want to just put up drivel or comment on every headline of the day. So I’ll maintain a dignified silence if I am not yet ready to speak.

The news of the last few weeks has been a bit difficult for me. Here is my piece for Aeon Chronicle on the aftermath of the Karmelo Anthony case: Making Excuses for Black Violence Does Black Kids No Favors.

I imagine many of us read that horrible piece in which a professor from Howard University with a PhD claims that Austin Metcalf’s father failed to teach him that “black boys have boundaries.” I’m not going to dignify that piece by linking to it.

It brought up a lot for me. I am more familiar than I would like to be with the phenomenon of black men not liking to be told no. It is too personal and frankly too dangerous for me to write about it, so I won’t. But these things are very real for me in a way that perhaps they are not for quite a few of my white friends in the suburbs.

If it makes you feel any better, I’ve experienced violence at the hands of white professionals too!

But today I choose not to live in the trauma. For the most part, I no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for PTSD. That’s why it was shocking when symptoms reappeared - I’d been doing quite well for a long time. I no longer need or take medication. I do not see a therapist or psychiatrist - in part because I find them worse than useless but also because there’s just no need.

It’s a funny story what really helped me close the book on past trauma, and it’s a big part of today’s gratitude meditation.

The short version is that I reconnected with an old friend, not even a close friend, who had not been in my life at all at the time of the worst traumatic event.

It so happened that I shared what had occurred and asked for some advice on routes to pursue justice.

Having received some good advice and more than anything, validation from a rational person whom I very much respect but who was not involved - really had no horse in the race - I just went about my life. Suddenly, the trauma lost its grip. After years.

There is a lot in the literature of PTSD about how being believed and validated stops trauma from turning into a chronic disorder. This is important. Just being involved in a traumatic event doesn’t doom you to developing symptoms. What happens afterward matters.

These days, I don’t talk about that stuff much. I’ll mention it fast but then I want to move on. It doesn’t define me anymore, and I find it tiresome. So when something brings it up, I want to move on as fast as I can. If I can’t do something productive about the situation, I don’ t want to think or talk about it.

The report on the rape gangs in Great Britain has brought up a lot too. I think it’s important that people read about it. I have been reading this: 250,000 Girls Raped for Being White and Not Obeying Allah. It goes into gruesome detail and I think we need to know.

This is about saving our civilization, my friends. Netanyahu is right: this is not a clash of civilizations. This is a fight between civilization and barbarism. I will not apologize for standing for freedom and civilization and I will not back down. I know many of you are very much with me.

We can not become like the UK. The US is the last stand. I support those who will keep this barbarism out of our country and prosecute crimes when they occur. Anyone who wants to screech, “Racism!” should know that screeching no longer silences white people. Those days just ended. Go read the summary of the report I linked. Come back when you’re done. Having brown skin is no longer a get out of responsibility for crime free card.

So now I turn back to the gratitude.

As I read these things and reflect on my life, I am so grateful to be where I am. Safe in my own apartment, with my sweet kitty, doing work I love.

I could spend a lot of time wishing I had this or that, wondering what would have happened if I had made other choices. But why waste time, when I can live fully in the beauty of now?

“Sometimes the beauty of life hits like lightning washing everything clear,” sings Shawn Colvin in “Kill the Messenger” - one of the only artists I’ve ever seen in concert!

I am so blessed to have amazing friends. I doubt that there are many people who have had the depth and variety of friendships I have. Maybe that’s the flip side of never marrying or staying in one place too terribly long (though I was at the nurses’ union for ten years.) I’ve seen a lot.

Last night I was reminded that one of my fellow teachers (I start SAT prep soon and we are in training, so we are reconnecting. SAT prep is my favorite teaching ever!!!) is a serious Catholic. She’s a Latin teacher who loves Latin Mass. We were talking on the phone last night when she said, “I have to remember to let the Holy Spirit guide my job search.”

I love talking with practicing, believing Jews or Christians. People with whom you can say, “I will keep you in my prayers” and it’s meaningful.

My new friends in the neighborhood are practicing Catholics. They’re just easy to be around. I don’t plan to become Catholic, but after SAT camp is over (I’ll be teaching six days a week and resting on the seventh for seven weeks!) I plan to look for a church where I can find a Christian home again. Probably going to look for an Episcopal church that isn’t wacko progressive. I’ve always loved the Episcopal church. Just enough ritual but not actually Catholic. I can take communion. The preaching was never that great but these days no preaching is so I’m not missing anything.

Consider the lilies. Lily season is short. I walk frequently. Like Aerosmith, I don’t want to miss a thing.

I’m not one of those people who says, “Everything happens for a reason.” Those people are annoying. Indeed, if I get hit by a car, it happened because the driver didn’t stop and hit me. That’s a reason, but not one that I find comforting.

I prefer, “Life as it is,” the motto of my school of Zen. Life as it is does not have to be glamorous all the time, or exciting. I’ve had my share of both, and I’d like some more… I miss dressing up and wearing suits and heels! But that day will come soon enough.

For now, I choose gratitude. I’m grateful for the lilies, for my kitty cat who was so good at the vet this week! I’m grateful that my mom is with me at 81, and that my dad passed peacefully at 79. Grateful for my amazing friends, the old and the new. Grateful for how time wraps back on itself, making 2026 just as bright and vibrant and full of possibility as 1996, or even before.

Grateful for: read nails, Wegman’s, Clark Park, iced coffee, Substack, all my Substack worldwide family!, my friend AB in Florida and SL in NY, SAT Prep and all the wonderful kids whose lives I will be blessed to touch this summer. Grateful that I took the SAT in seventh grade, even grateful that my Dad told everyone who would listen what my score was! Grateful that I live in a time and place where girls can be smart and pretty, and can make choices about our lives. Grateful for air travel and trains and public transit and the Subaru dealership where they called my car a “she” and learned her name while they fixed her so that she is now safe to drive to my summer job and back. (Her name is Visenya.) Seriously, y’all, don’t misgender my 2004 Subaru!

Grateful that this sweet old girl gets me where I need to go safely and never complains! And she’s paid off!

Grateful for that Starbucks in Conshohocken where I studied for the GRE to get into my MPH program, more than fifteen years ago now. Grateful for Dr. Feinman who wrote my recommendations and is one of my longest serving, most steadfast friends.

Grateful for standardized tests, the Constitution, and the last few men in the world who still know how to dress properly.

Grateful for the next pair of heels I will buy, and the sneakers I was wearing when I took the lily pictures.

I really do love shoes, and I am not ashamed of that.

Grateful to have time for a short walk before I resume SAT prep training.

And grateful for all of you.

God be with you, now and always.